Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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