Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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