Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
