Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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