Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
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