I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
