the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Send help, water and tortillas.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
