He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
