Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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