So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
you have to choose: penises or morals?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
