I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
