He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
