im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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