i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
