I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Randomize
