The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
