Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
