planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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