Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
