Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
