i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
