T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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