she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
