Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
