Who did Billy Mays play for?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
