I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
