I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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