It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
