You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
