i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
