just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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