even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
