singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
foreskin is a definite game changer
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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