In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
