My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
