it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
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