i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Randomize
