omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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