i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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