I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
