Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
