dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
