Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
