she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
