i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
