I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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