Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
