just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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