I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
