this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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